It probably wasn’t the best first assignment I could have done after leaving my respectable full time job at the local paper. And I’d so strategically seated myself at the leaving lunch that I thought I’d made a clean escape. That is until my boss leaned over the back of her chair mid-ordering and asked me if I could write one final assignment for them after I leave…
And I’m a spineless pushover whose skills include shapeshifting into a welcome mat. So I answered, “As you wish.”
And off I was, interviewing 20 of the most influential people in the county under the age of 40 and writing short biographies for each of them.
I think it was around number seven that I realised just what a big number 20 was, and that these aren’t like normal people, they’ve all rescued baby giraffes in the wild and cured influenza and help old ladies cross the street on a regular basis.
And I’m fresh off the work boat, embracing the work from home wardrobe of sweatpants and my favorite puke gold hand-me-down sweater from my old roommate that I essentially live in. It’s recently sprouted a large hole on the left arm that lets all the cold air in, so it’s safety pins and an undershirt until I get around to actually mending it.
Work from home doesn’t deserve contacts, so I’m squinting through an expired prescription of glasses, with duct tape holding one side of the frame together.
There’s no makeup because, work from home, and my hair is piled on top of my head with all the effort of two seconds and a nearby hair tie. Likely not quite what Fifth Harmony had in mind…
As the young and accomplished rambled off about their medals for moon landings and international peace negotiation efforts, I had a moment.
It was a moment of – I literally rescued a dead bee from my front porch this morning, brought it inside and mixed up some sugar water in an effort to revive it. Half a day later it was still dead as ever. I had just spent my morning playing with a dead bee.
It didn’t help that the next afternoon, four interviews later, I stepped outside to give my incredibly mediocre brain a break when I smelled gas. I called the gas company to report the leak, and the woman on the phone asked if an adult would be home when the gas man came. Thanks.
Is this a bad time to mention that my favorite alcohol comes in the form of milkshakes?
And after writing 20 bios filled to the brim with honors and accomplishments. I started thinking that these overachievers could learn a thing or two from yours truly. A thing or two about happy hours and hitting snooze. I’ve also got an impressive list of detailed excuses when it comes to exercise.
Take notes all you overachievers, and while maybe it wouldn’t kill me to teach deaf orphans parasailing, I’ve got a hunch that if you found space in that crowded schedule of yours to to blow bubbles in boozy milkshakes, you might actually enjoy it.
Ella Ames, 24, is unemployed at home, she has been in this position for one month. She wears pajamas, leggings and other such comfortable attire while she spends her days burning quesadillas and avoiding alliteration. Whoops. Ames spent a good portion of time the other day searching around her fanny for a tampon string and panicking before realizing that she wasn’t in fact wearing a tampon. Ames said her inspiration is a framed picture of her cubicle, and the fear of one day having to return. She has never sat on a board or funded a nonprofit. She did however give a 4-H presentation in the fifth grade about volunteering. She has no children and very few commitments and still manages to be routinely late.
Caramel Macchiato Milkshake
Recipe serves 1 if you’re greedy
- 4 scoops of coffee ice cream
- 3 oz. Patrón XO Cafe
- 3 oz. milk
- several spoonfuls of caramel
- whipped cream
- a wafer for the top
Combine the ice cream, milk and tequila in a jar for the blender.
Blend away! Bide time by singing about your yard and milkshake. Obvs.
Drizzle the inside of the glass with caramel (it’s easier to drizzle the caramel if you first heat the jar in a pan of boiling water) and pour the blended ingredients into the glass.
Top with whipped cream, a drizzle of caramel and the wafer.
Good luck keeping the boys at bay.