Tackling the merely meh Mai Tai

Guy Fieri’s Mai Tai Sorbet is worth the brain freeze

The sun was on its A-Game a few days ago so the man and I headed out to the beach. We fried and baked and pivoted like good rotisserie humans until the grumble of hunger interrupted our broiling.

We went in search of burgers and after a stare-off with the Fat Cats menu, I knew I was going to need more napkins.

I hate ordering the same thing as anyone else. It seems a shame. For me, a meal pretty much means may the best orderer win (well, lose if the best orderer isn’t me, as I’ll then eat the better part of everything off the best orderer’s plate…).

Maybe it was the throbbing hunger from watching much-too-skinny bodies at the beach all day, or the sun creating the delusion that I was on holiday, and didn’t have to wake up and drive to work and clack on my keyboard the next morning.

But I needed a Texas burger with BBQ sauce, onion rings, cheese and a whole lotta bacon. And I gave no shits if the man wanted one too.

And they ate. And it was good. And they rejoiced. And knew their God was a good God. For he gave them onion rings and BBQ sauce.

Look it up, 4:17, chapter Danielle. Verbatim.

Twas happy hour, so I ordered a Mai Tai — the only thing on the drinks menu I couldn’t make with my eyes closed. And it was meh.

I’ve never been  a big fruit juice fanatic, but it was beyond me how something that seems like it should be the equivalent of a little tropical island (ukulele intact) inside your mug, can just be meh.

Later that day, after methodically peeling the flaky bits off my sunburned shoulders, I set out to sort the mystery of the meh Mai Tai. And figure out just why the drink tasted like watered down pineapple juice and unmasked alcohol.

And it wasn’t just Fat Cats, I couldn’t recall having a must-have-more Mai Tai anywhere else before.

And it’s not like a Bloody Mary where everything in it is just rank (sorry, not sorry), so obviously it’s gonna be hard to throw the drink back.

This has beautiful things like spiced rum and pineapple juice in it. It should be served with a grass skirt.

To start out, I tried mixing my own Mai Tai with a basic recipe from online, and it too was remarkably meh.

(Except for the tiny man living behind it.)

mai thai

So I did what I do when things need doing. I turned to Guy Fieri.

Don’t let his bleached blonde tips fool you into identifying him as a sixth NSYNC member (not gonna lie, I had to google how many NSYNC members there were…  I swear I grew up in the 90’s). The guy can cook and mix his drinks.

Stock up on salt and ice and try out his recipe, it tastes a little something I’d like to describe as bomb diggity.

Guy Fieri’s Mai Tai Sorbet


Recipe serves 8


  • 2 1/2 cups pineapple juice
  • 2 1/2 cups mango nectar
  • 2 1/2 cups guava nectar
  • 1 3/4 cups gold rum
  • 1/3 cup grenadine syrup
  • 1/4 cup fresh lime juice
  • 1/3 cup agave nectar

Special equipment

  • An ice-cream maker


Combine all the ingredients in a large bowl, stirring until the sugar has completely dissolved.

Pour the mixture into the ice-cream maker and follow the directions according to the  machine.

1ctemmAfter it’s finished churning, return the sorbet to the freezer for at least 2 hours before serving.

Indulge, and brace yourself for the best brain freeze you’ll ever have.


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